I\u2019ve been thinking about confidence and security: how they are related, how they operate within intimate relationships, how we get it wrong and how we could do better. \u201cGetting it wrong\u201d is when one person’s insecurity undermines the other’s confidence, or one’s confidence reinforces the other’s insecurity, or any other twist of neediness, dependence and power.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Confidence and security are both concerned with uncertainty: I don\u2019t know what\u2019s going to happen and I don\u2019t know if I have enough information or the right understanding or if my judgement is sound or even what I’m capable of. What I am willing to risk depends on my confidence and my vulnerability. It\u2019s important to have an accurate sense of both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Confidence<\/i> comes from Latin fidere<\/i>, \u201ctrust\u201d, prefixed with con-<\/i>, expressing \u201cintensive force\u201d. In the words of John Dewey<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n confidence is not a name for what one thinks or feels about his attitude; it is not reflex. It denotes the straightforwardness with which one goes at what he has to do. It denotes not conscious trust in the efficacy of one\u2019s powers but unconscious faith in the possibilities of the situation. It signifies rising to the needs of the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dewey is talking here about an inherent and unconditional confidence, but we\u2019re much more aware of the \u201cconscious trust… in one’s powers\u201d that grows from skills and familiarity. This is a secondary, conditioned kind of confidence. You can point to its foundations. You can jump up and down to demonstrate how strong they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Vulnerability<\/i> is the possibility of being wounded. It\u2019s a possibility that\u2019s sure to come along and this is why uncertainty is such a torment. For Hamlet, awareness of \u201cthe thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to\u2026 makes cowards of us all\u201d. Where we feel vulnerable, we want to take security measures. Security is provisional: it looks ahead and makes provision. It\u2019s all about risk assessment and mitigation. From the Latin securus<\/i>, from se-<\/i> \u201cwithout\u201d and cura<\/i> \u201ccare\u201d, security means: \u201cNo worries!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n